


The Pain Dreams Bring

by twist_and_scream



Series: Learning As They Go [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Alien Cultural Differences, Comfort, F/M, Fluff, It does not work, Ryder tries to hide anxiety/PTSD/survivor's guilt, Scott and Jaal bond, Sibling Love, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 09:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10553656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twist_and_scream/pseuds/twist_and_scream
Summary: Ryder wakes up from a nightmare and doesn't want to disturb anyone. Things do not go as planned.





	

Jaime Ryder was back on Habitat 7. Staring up at the sky she had just fallen out of, clearer somehow, spreading above the jagged edges of shattered glass. Her entire body was screaming for oxygen, gasping in floundering desperation while a growing part of her mind realized the air would probably do more damage than the injuries from the fall. 

_Scott, help me!_ Ryder crawled forward, her brain ignoring the absurdity of reaching for her “baby brother”. Scott wasn’t here, he was lying on their ark until the doctors decided if he would ever wake up.

_Mom!_ Ryder tried again, like a child calling for their parents after a bad dream. _Mom, Mom, I don’t want to-!!_

Ryder’s mind stopped begging, the pain and panic dulling at the edges into a deep ache between stabbing spasms in her chest. This was what dying felt like, Ryder finally realized. 600 years asleep and she was going to die on the first planet she had hit.

Ryder’s eyes hurt as a orange light glowed through the smoke. Alec Ryder hobbled towards her, barking into his omnitool about an extraction.

_Dad_ , she finally begged, reaching for him as he jogged to a stop in front of her. Her father was here, of course her father was here, this was his dream and mission and he would never leave a man behind. _Dad…_

“ETA is three, maybe four minutes,” Captain Dunn’s voice assured professionally in her ear.

Alec Ryder gazed down at her, his expression unreadable through the smudged face of his helmet. 

_Dad…_ Ryder’s attempt to speak only ended in a painful cough. _Dad, I don’t…I don’t want to die here._

“We don’t have that long,” Alec Ryder confirmed shortly.

Ryder clawed at the ground to make sure it was still there. Her father was right, she would never make it three minutes. You couldn’t bargain with biology. She was going to die here.

_Oh_ , _Scott_ , Ryder apologized to her brother. He would never forgive her for getting into such trouble without him and then leaving him in this new galaxy alone. 

Alec Ryder dropped to his knees in front of her and placed her hands on her useless helmet. Alec threw the helmet aside with a gentle twist before reaching up and jerking his own helmet out of place.

_Don’t take that off_! Ryder almost scolded her father for being so foolish. _We can’t breathe, you can’t-“_

“What?” Ryder gasped as her father placed the helmet over her head. Without thinking, Ryder’s body gasped in, glorifying in the oxygen that rushed into her system with fresh agony. 

“Deep breaths,” Alec Ryder instructed slowly, his voice already shaking for oxygen.

“What are you…?” Ryder groped for the helmet.

“Initiating transfer,” Alec Ryder told himself, typing something into his scanner. Placing his hands on the top of Ryder’s head, Alec’s commanding expression barely faltered as he struggled to breathe.

_Wait, wait!_ Ryder’s weak fingers tugged uselessly at the helmet and her father’s hands. _You can’t!_

Ryder watched her father’s mouth move as he said something else that she couldn’t understand. The air wasn’t enough. Ryder’s father’s face swam in front of her eyes as she finally gave into darkness.

_No, no!_ Ryder thought as she felt her father’s hand slide away. There was still time, he could still live if he took his helmet back. _I didn’t mean this, Dad, I didn’t mean this!!_

_Fall to darkness, Pathfinder_ , Alec Ryder faded into the void along with so many others. _You were almost worthy_. 

Ryder’s fingers tangled into her hair as she sat up in bed still trying to yank off her father’s helmet. She still couldn’t breathe, Ryder realized as she instinctively hugged her stomach and chest for protection. Why, why couldn’t she breathe _now_? Ryder tugged at the sweat soaked shirt bearing down on her chest. 

Ryder’s chest spasmed in surprise at the sound of Jaal’s rumbling snore next to her. Jaal was sleeping peacefully. He had spent hours working on dismantling kett tech and collaborating with the Resistance. No, no, no, no, she could breathe, Ryder insisted to herself when she realized she was shuddering. Pathfinders did not wake up weeping and whining for coddling in the middle of the night.

Wiping rivers of sweat from her eyes and face, Ryder carefully stood. There, much better, Ryder wheezed triumphantly and walked across the cabin. Sweat soaked, but stable. Choking back the persistent lump in her throat and rubbing her chest, Ryder wandered through her silent ship. Quiet, she just needed some quiet.

Then why was the quiet still suffocating her? Ryder sank into a chair in the empty conference room. They had won. A sizable battle, at least, even if more trouble waited in the future. Scott was finally up and active, and already becoming part of the Tempest family. Their mother was alive, in a manner of speaking. Their father would be proud of that much. Ryder’s chest crackled on her next breath, barely filling her lungs. Unable to breathe.

“SAM?” Ryder begged.

“You are experiencing a panic attack, Pathfinder,” SAM informed calmly. “The discomfort should only be temporary.”

Ryder cupped her hands over her mouth, forcing herself to breathe through the filter her fingers created. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, just the way her father had said. Ryder tightened her grip on her chin and mouth, smothering a wavering cry that merged with her next exhale. Sniffing down a bubble rising up her throat and out her eyes, Ryder leaned on her knees, tracing the seams in the floor to distract herself until the lines had blurred too much to follow. 

“I think you cheat,” Liam’s voice drifted up from below. “Count cards, or stack the deck, maybe?”

“It’s not cheating if I’m just better than you,” Gil informed confidently.

“Not _technically_ true,” Peebee contradicted. 

“Not even remotely true,” Cora corrected definitively.

“Look, I don’t use tricks, I just know people,” Gil bragged.

Ryder squeezed her hands over her mouth and nose, choking back her latest inhale with a squeak. Her chest jerked automatically, forcing a strangled cough out of her. Footsteps skittered up the ramp until Peebee popped into view.

“You’re still up?” Peebee asked cheerfully. “You should have played, we…aaah, are you _crying_?”

“Naugh,” Ryder shook her head furiously, brushing off her eyes and leaving her running nose exposed. Ryder waved in front of her chest as proof, trying to get enough energy for more than one word at a time.

“Nice Peebee,” Gil scolded mockingly. “Whoa, actually, Ryder, you don’t look so good.”

Liam punched Gil on the arm forcefully. Cora joined them quietly, furrowing her brow in worry when she caught sigh of Ryder. Ryder wiped her nose with a shaking hand, clenching her mouth shut.

“Just,” Ryder spluttered. “Bad. Dream. Fine.”

“Do we get Jaal?” Peebee asked. “Scott?”

Ryder shook her head harder, her chest tightening at the four of them watching her and the thought of Scott or Jaal seeing her like this. Cora’s sympathetic hiss was barely audible as she came to sit beside Ryder.

“Breathe, Ryder, breathe,” Cora soothed steadily, resting her hand on her own chest and inhaling slowly to show it rise. “Easier said, I know, but try with me.”

“I’ll get Scott,” Liam ducked down to the lower level with thundering feet.

“Jaal’s still in your room, right?” Peebee held up her hand when Ryder tried to protest. “Stupid question, I’m stupid.”

“Lexi, y’think?” Gil nodded at Cora and rushed after Peebee.

Ryder kept shaking her head once they were gone, trying to following Cora’s advice nad breathe with her as her hand rose and fell. Cora leaned on her knees beside Ryder, asking carefully, “How long have you been up here?”

“Approximately six minutes and 4 seconds,” SAM responded for Ryder.

“I was asking Ryder, Sam.”

Ryder tried to smile gratefully at Cora. Cora smiled encouragingly, closing her eyes and inhaling through her nose and exhaling slowly out through her mouth. Ryder gnawed her mouth as tears rolled down her face. 

“I don’t know,” Ryder wiped her eyes. “Why now.”

“It’s only been a few weeks,” Cora pointed out. “And before that, we had work to get lost in. When’s the last time you _tried_ sleeping a full night, let alone actually got one?”

Ryder shrugged and didn’t even try to remember. Pushing back her sweat soaked bangs, Ryder fanned her chest to stop the clammy sweat from soaking through her shirt. She could feel her heartbeat thumping across her chest and filling her ears. Her bones and muscles felt unravelled and fragile under thin skin. Squishy, Drack would put it. Cora looked up and overlooked Ryder’s wince at a clatter from below before Scott bounded up the ramp with Liam in tow.

“Hi,” Ryder panted and waved weakly.

“Hey,” Scott jogged for her, skidding to a stop and stealing Cora’s chair when she sprang out of the way. Cora stroked Ryder’s shoulder as she left and dragged a concerned Liam with her. Scott waved at them, turning back to Ryder and asking casually, “How ya’ doin’?”

“I should,” Ryder gulped after two words. “Ask you. That.”

“Ah, fit as a fiddle,” Scott flexed his arm jokingly to look tough. Jaime tried to laugh and failed, sticking to wet sniffles.

Scott looped an arm lightly across her shoulders and watched her without speaking. It was comforting, and humiliating, leaning against Scott. Scott sighed heavily and rubbed Jaime’s shoulder gruffly.

“Nightmares?” Scott asked knowingly.

“Yeah.”

Scott pulled Jaime closer. They had outgrown hugging like this long before they had come to Andromeda, but recent events were pulling them back to gestures they would have scorned back then. 

“I had one of these,” Scott mused. “Or, something, I think. Just before we left the Milky Way.”

“Really?” 

“Oh, yeah,” Scott nodded and patted Jaime. “The thought of leaving everything and everyone scared the piss out of me. It was exciting, but when I packed that last sock and checked the weight requirements, it hit me hard.”

“And that was before you found any of this,” Scott reminded. “I was scared about _sleeping_ and waking up. Nothing like what you did.”

“We,” Jaime reminded, reaching for her brother’s hand and squeezing to make sure it was solid. “We did.”

Scott nodded and smiled, squeezing Jaime’s hand firmly and reaching to tug her hair playfully. Studying Jaime thoughtfully, Scott’s face clouded over before he hastily kept smiling.Ryder ducked her head as new tears poured out unexpectedly at the familiar rituals. Scott put on a brave face, but he was still recovering from the damage a ‘light’ coma and being the tool of the Archon. Ryder squeezed her eyes shut at the sight of her father’s features coming through Scott’s grim expressions. 

“You need sleep,” Ryder whispered.

“Sis, if I sleep any more, they’ll have to call it hibernation,” Scott groaned and tactfully ignored the tears running down his sister’s face.

Scott and Jaime looked up at more footsteps, and Jaime was glad that Scott jostled her shoulders as Jaal rushed into the room with Peebee at his shoulder.

“Uh…tadah!!” Peebee held up her hands hopefully and indicated Jaal in his rumpled cloth garments and startled blue eyes.

Ryder took her hand out of Scott’s and struggled to mop off her face before Jaal reached her. Scott curled his knees into his chair to make room for Jaal as the angara knelt in front of Ryder. Ryder didn’t resist as Jaal’s hands gently caught her wrists and pulled her hands away from her face. Ryder studied her lap instead of having to look at Jaal’s distress as well as feel it in his touch.

“Thank you, Peebee,” Jaal's pleasantry vibrated through him and into Ryder. 

“Here to help,” Peebee bobbed on her feet nervously. Slinking to the ramp when Jaal didn’t respond, Peebee babbled, “But, I have, so, now, I’m just gonna…go.”

Peebee stopped with her head over the railing, tracing the edge and begging, “Feel better, Ryder. Duh. Bad Peebee. I’m gonna go find Gil.”

Scott called his thanks to Peebee and tucked his knees into his chest to stand on his seat and jump to the floor over the arm to go and straighten a pile of askew datapads on the other side of the room. Ryder tried to wipe her nose, lacing her fingers together while Jaal held her wrists between the thumb and fingers of one hand, his grip loose but steady.

“Darling one,” Jaal’s other hand rested on Ryder’s face, her tears running down her cheeks and chin into the webbing of his thumb. “What is wrong?”

“I didn’t want to wake you up,” Ryder explained. 

Jaal pulled Ryder forward in her chair delicately, saying, “I do not understand. Did _I_ do something wrong?”

“No!” Ryder saw Jaal jump at her ferocity. Ryder reached out to trace the deep scar on Jaal’s cheek. Jaal had stared down the barrel of a gun without hesitation, but now Ryder could see him trembling and feel it through his hands on hers. Ryder leaned forward to kiss him but hesitated, turning to wipe off her face. Leaning against Jaal’s hand when he stopped her, Ryder whispered, “It was just a bad dream. I’m sorry.”

Jaal blinked rapidly in shock. Brushing his fingers over Ryder’s cheek and pulling her forward, Jaal kissed her softly. Ryder drew away when she heard her brother shift across the room, glad to have Jaal hold her face still as he leaned his forehead against hers.

“Do not apologize. There is no shame in dreams,” Jaal murmured . “No shame in the pain and tears that come from them.”

Ryder nodded obediently at Jaal’s straightforward declaration. The angaras’ openness was something she was still learning. Jaal rested the hand he still held in his on the furrow in his chest, advising, “Pain is a heavy burden. We share that burden together. All of us, here.”

“We each have enough of our own,” Ryder insisted. “You-“

“Then we shall share very…evenly,” Jaal frowned slightly as he said it and shook his head. “But no, that does not matter. You share your life with those you care for _because_ you care for them. That is enough. I love you, so, I want to share every sorrow and joy, pain and triumph, everything life has to offer.”

Ryder leaned into Jaal, feeling the slow rise and fall of his chest above a confident heartbeat. Jaal kissed her quickly as Lexi finally appeared, opening her mouth just as Gil announced, “Sorry, I didn’t expect to find the doc in the cockpit, I damn near ran the entire ship.”

“Thank you, Gil,” Lexi sighed in exasperation. “Ryder, how are you feeling?”

“Her heart is going very fast. I do not think it should go that fast,” Jaal reported promptly. “She seems feverish, as well.”

“It’s not a fever, Jaal,” Scott corrected kindly. “Panic attack, Lexi.”

“The Pathfinder’s respiratory function has improved immensely,” SAM reported bluntly. “I detect no other serious abnormalities.”

“I see,” Lexi grimaced disapprovingly. “May I?”

Jaal rose slowly, perching attentively on the seat beside Ryder as Lexi ran a routine scan. Scott peered over her shoulder until she shooed him away, remarking, “There doesn’t seem to be anything else wrong.”

“I’m fine,” Ryder sniffed down the last of her tears shortly. “It was just a nightmare. We all get those, right?”

“Of course,” Lexi admitted. “But there are other elements here. Is SAM functioning normally?”

“SAM is fine,” Ryder insisted. “I am ok. I just needed to…process.”

Lexi frowned doubtfully, raising an eyebrow with more doubt while she ran her eyes over the sweat stains on Ryder’s shirt. Pinching the bridge of her nose in tell-tale frustration, Lexi lectured, “I’m not surprised, but we should still talk about this. I’m here to help with exactly this sort of thing.”

“I know, I’ve read your emails,” Ryder saw Scott pull a face at her unintentionally curt tone. Sighed slowly, Ryder straightened her hair and dabbed at her shirt to prove something, continuing more carefully, “I know, I’m sorry. I’ll come talk to you, I promise. Just not…now.”

Ryder squirmed when Jaal and her brother looked at her in unison. Ryder felt rung out and numb, as if every nerve that had ached before had burnt itself out.Ryder smiled at all of them, hoping that her pleading came through to Lexi. Lexi crossed her arms loosely as she looked between Ryder, Jaal, and Scott skeptically. Breaking her glower with palpable effort, Lexi conceded gently, “Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Ryder agreed obediently.

Looking at her scanner closely, Lexi relaxed her matronly posture. Closing the scan and nodding to Ryder, Lexi reminded, “Tomorrow. And get fluids now.”

“I will be sure of it,” Jaal assured as he reached for Ryder’s hand. Lexi smiled at Ryder with professional and personally fondness before contenting herself with one more discerning look each of the Ryder twins. Jaal pulled Ryder up with him as he stood, keeping his hand in Ryder’s until she drew away at the door to the bathroom.

“I’m gonna…wash some of this off,”Ryder explained. “Sorry.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Scott teased with a grin, looking to Jaal for approval and receiving an obligatory grunt.

Ryder smiled just as stiffly, glad to have the bathroom door hiss shut behind her. Catching icy water in her hands, Ryder took Lexi’s advice and drank until her throat stopped stinging. Rubbing water on her neck and up her arms, Ryder turned her ear toward the sound of mumbles outside the door.

“I take it angara don’t get panic attacks?” Scott asked over the sound of Jaal pacing.

“I do not know,” Jaal admitted. “I have seen fellow angara overcome with grief, but I have never seen those symptoms with it. Perhaps it is a difference in our physiology.”

“They aren’t uncommon in humans,” Scott assured. “They aren’t fatal, they just suck. A lot.”

“Do humans often apologize for their emotions?” Jaal asked Scott fretfully. “I have met many who do. I have met many who do not. I don’t know enough of you to determine if either is an anomaly in your species.”

“Uh, I mean, I don’t know many humans who are as open an angara,” Scott replied slowly. “But, yeah, a lot of people do. We think of it as a courtesy, so we don’t inconvenience people.”

“So you hide them, even from your lovers?” Jaal asked. “Your family?”

“Oh, hell yeah,” Scott laughed, hastily correcting himself as Ryder winced from her side of the door and reached for a towel before it got worse.  “Sometimes. Depending.”

“But this is more a ‘Ryder family’ thing than a ‘human’ thing,” Scott elaborated to Jaal’s disgruntled hum. Ryder sat against the edge of the sink and dried her hands slowly as she listened. “Dad was never a talker, and Mom, well, Mom tried to be, but she was working a lot of the time, and then she got sick, and…We just weren’t a ‘feelings’ type of family, most of the time. That’s how Jaime and I grew up: business first, emotions when the job’s done: ”

“That is…lamentable,” Jaal observed mournfully. “Emotions are what connect us to one another, more than regulations and occupations. They make us who we are. Why would you hide that?”

“Humans get bogged down in so much other shit. But we can learn! Jaime’s already a lot more open than when we left home, just keep chipping away at it,” Scott explained to Jaal’s confused pause, “Working on it. Chipping away at something means working on something gradually, over time.”

“Over time,” Jaal mused less uncertainly. “I see. Thank you, Scott.”

“Any time,” Scott sounded relieved.

Ryder wiped drops of water from the sink until she was sure the pause was long enough, then opened the door. Scott straightened up from leaning against the wall, backing away towards the crew quarters.

“You look better,” Scott complimented, trying and failing to hide a smile when Jaal reclaimed Ryder’s hand. “Think I’ll turn in, try and start getting sleep like a normal guy again. Night.”

Ryder was glad for the warmth of Jaal’s hand as he pulled her into their quarters. The bed was rumpled and the blankets tossed aside. Jaal led Ryder to the bed, motioning to her spot while he asked, “Did you drink? Is water sufficient?”

“I did, and it’s fine,” Ryder promised, sitting down when Jaal tapped her shoulder and lying down when he tapped her head. “I’m fine, Jaal, I shouldn’t have worried you like that.”

Jaal trailed his hand down her shoulder and side as he walked around the bed, pulling the blanket up and tucking it snugly around Ryder. Turning over as Jaal climbed into bed next to her, Ryder reached for him. Wrapping her arm around Jaal’s waist, Ryder pressed her face against the soft skin of his hood.

“You heard your brother and me talking,” Jaal guessed, turning to coax Ryder out of his shoulder and face her. “Does that make you uncomfortable?”

“No,” Ryder answered honestly. “I’m just…bad. At this.”

“Bad at what?” Jaal asked with a soft chuckle of surprise.

“The, the…feelings part,” Ryder explained guiltily. “You make it look easy, I know it should be easy.”

“You are not bad at ‘feelings.’ You feel as strongly as any angara,” Jaal laughed gently at Ryder’s folly. Pulling Ryder against his body and kissing her, Jaal mumbled secretively, “And it is not always easy. It can be frightening. Seeing you so distressed was frightening, I do not want to wake up without you or fear that you are crying alone.”

“But it is beautiful. You are beautiful. And I would not trade this for the stars,” Jaal caught Ryder’s chin when she tried to duck her head. “Certainly not for paltry sleep. I do not need that much sleep. Wake me.”

Ryder nodded against Jaal’s hand, closing her eyes as Jaal kissed her forehead, lips, and above each eye. 

“I wouldn’t trade you for a thousand golden worlds. I love you, Jaal,” Ryder had no trouble expressing that.

“And I you. Sleep now, dearest one,” Jaal whispered, filling Ryder with warmth as she drifted off. “And I will wake you in the morning.”


End file.
